Surrender and Receive

Monday, 8th August 2011

The intensity of my ego experience had left me feeling relieved but drained energetically.  The days leading up to last Tuesday, I'd had many thoughts running through my mind, particularly ones of doubt regarding the emergence.  It had never occured to me that maybe, the ego awareness process had been a part of the emergence.  Of course, I realise this now, particularly the important that ego awareness has on emergence.  Without awareness of the ego, how can we move forward?  Without ego awareness, I would never have been able to get through my latest experience.

My ego was in full swing from the moment I woke up on Tuesday, 2nd August.  It was having a field day, telling me consistently that all that I believed in was a bunch of crap.  Emergence??  What emergence???  My experiences weren't emergence.  They were signs of mental instability!  Energy downloads, spirit guides, awakening, ascension....all just a cruel joke on my part to make me believe that there was something "special" going on. 

By the time I got home from work, I decided to push my annoying ego to the side and sat down to look up some of my favourite music on YouTube.  Music has always soothed my soul and brought in positive energy when I'm feeling down.  And so the night began with all my favourite tunes.  I was quite enjoying myself.  I could still hear the ego in the recesses of my mind, but my mood had been lifted with the music.  Everything was all good!

At around 9pm, I came across my all-time favourite song "In The Arms of An Angel" by Sarah McLaughlin.  No matter how many times I hear this song, it's a guarantee I will cry.  There's just something about the music and the lyrics that stirs up so many deep and meaningful emotions.  I've always used this song as a way to stir up suppressed emotions that I want to release and heal, so there must've been something that needed to be released for me to choose this song when I did.

Of course, the tears immediately welled up and within the first few moments of the song I found myself crying.  The difference this time was that I actually felt physical pain in my chest.  Not in the physical heart area, but in the spiritual heart.  The pain intensified as the song continued, and I found myself clutching at my chest, tears poaring down my face.

I was astounded at the intensity of the pain.  My first thought was that I was picking up on the emotions of an acquantence, so I asked my guides to tone it down.  It always works, but this time, the pain remained.  I found myself clicking "replay" on the song that had started my tyraid of tears.  The pain intensified, the tears continued to flow.  I felt desolate, depressed even. 

I cried to the point where my head hurt before I realised the thoughts that were circulating through my mind.  Memories of my marriage, my ex-husband, my divorce, the pain and rejection I'd felt.  They were all floating around in my mind, stirring emotions that I knew had been healed a long time ago.  As soon as this awareness hit me, I stopped crying.  I sat very still, confused.  Why on earth were these things coming up?  Of course there were still issues and pain to heal, but none were related to my divorce nor my ex-husband.  I was totally confused.

I continued to sit still, my head pounding, my face wet from the tears I had cried.  As I sat in that stillness, I became aware of a little voice in the recesses of my mind whispering memories from my past.  Memories from my marriage and divorce.  The voice was quiet, but I instantly knew what it was.  It was the voice of my ego.  It was my ego that was desperately trying to drag me into an emotional heap.

Exhausted from the crying, I instantly shut my computer down and decided to go to bed.  I was furious that I had been dragged down like that by my ego.  Little did I know, that that had been just the beginning of an interesting night.

It was around 11pm when I went to bed.  I don't think I actually fell asleep.  It was pretty much and hour and a half of tossing and turning.  Around 12.30pm I gave up trying and simply lay on my back, my eyes open, starring into the darkness.  It was then I began to feel the tighteness in my chest.  It wasn't painful, it was simply a physical sensation of tighteness.  At the same time, I noticed my breath was coming in short, quick bursts.  I didn't move.  I continued to lay there, very still, wondering what was going on.  The tightening sensation continued, but now I was starting to feel like I couldn't breath.  I sat bolt upright.  What the hell was going on?  Waves of panic (that's the only way I can describe the feeling) began to sweep over my body and I immediately sat on the side of the bed, my head between my legs.  I was positive I was going to pass out.  I felt physically sick as the waves continued to wash over me, making my stomach lurch.  I stood up slowly, and promptly sat down again as another wave of "panic" hit me.

"Drink water...drink water...drink water" I kept hearing in my head.  It gave me comfort to know that my Guides were with me.  I sat for a moment longer until the waves subsided, then got up and walked slowly and carefully to the kitchen.  I drank a glass of water, refilled it and brought it back to my room.  By this point, I was feeling better.  Still nauseous, but no "panic" waves.  I lay down and closed eyes, sure it was over.

Immediately the waves began once more.  They started at the base of my torso and moved up my body, churning my stomach, tightening my chest, constricting my throat, and making me extremely light in the head.  One after another the waves hit, starting at my base, and moving up my body.  At the same time, random, irrational thoughts were going through my mind - "I'm going to pass out!"; "I'm dying!".  In the middle, a calm, rational guiding voice kept repeating "Just breathe, surrender to the process".

And so the battle between "I'm going to die!" and "Just breathe" continued for what seemed like hours.  The waves continued, one after another, until I couldn't move.  I was paralysed in my bed as the process continued.  I chose to listen to the guiding voice, and closed my eyes, took deep breaths.  I concentrated as much as possible on breathing, in between panicking. 

The waves did eventually subside enough for me to sit up and, at the prompting once more of my guiding voice, drink more water.  Looking at the clock, I realised the second experience had lasted for almost an hour.  It was now 2am.  It had been an hour and a half since the "panic" waves had begun.  How had time passed so quickly?

Still shaken but feeling a lot calmer now, I decided to lie down again.  This time, I made the decision to surrender completely to the process if it happened again.  Somehow, I knew this was not an anxiety attack.  It was much more than that, otherwise I would not have had that guiding voice telling me all the right things to do.  And so, I closed my eyes, ready for what I knew instinctively would come.

The third wave was even more intense that the second.  This time it wasn't just the nausea and constriction.  It started with my right arm going numb, then the numbness spread down my whole right side to the tips of my toes until I couldn't feel the right side of my body at all.  I temporarily felt my heart race in a panic, but that guiding voice interrupted "surrender...breathe".  A calmness spread over me.  "I surrender" I said out loud.

With those words came the peace.  I couldn't feel my body at all at this stage, but I didn't panic.  By now I was convinced that something a lot bigger was going on.  The peace lasted a few minutes before my body began to convulse violently.  The sensation was almost like that of a shudder or chill and it lasted only a few seconds.

I lay in my bed, completely still.  I could feel my body buzzing with energy from my toes right up to my crown.  I was consumed by this energy.  I'd never felt so alive yet so at peace in all my life.

Something very special had just occured.  So special in fact, that my ego had had an anxiety attack.  I on the other hand, felt absolutely wonderful!

Still buzzing, I drifted off into the most peaceful sleep I've ever had.  I woke up the next morning a little confused but feeling absolutely radiant.

Arising of the Ego

It's been almost 2 months since my last intense emergence experience.  There have been the energy downloads on a daily basis, but this has been manageable and actually quite nice and energising.  I should've known that this was the calm before the storm!

Although from an emergence perspective things have been quiet, from an emotional purging perspective it's been one thing after another.  Thanks to my course, I haven't been able to avoid it.  First there was the personal ritual which was a major enlightenment for me as to the root causes of all my emotional issues.  It was this ritual on the 14th June that opened my eyes to the fact that my emotional roller coaster officially began at the tender age of 7.

That was followed by two weeks of more intense processing from past life regression to chakra work.  One after the other they came, ripping me apart and stirting the debris from its depths.  Through it all I felt emotionally and physically exhausted.  There were times when I thought I wasn't going to make it.  Knowing that it was a necessary process of awakening gave me the strength to keep going, even when all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and pretend the world didn't exist.

The event that shifted things dramatically was a channelling session at school on the 7th July.  Bringing in pure light always stirs things up, but what occurred following this particular channelling, was far beyond anything I expected.

Immediately following the channelling, I felt calm and peaceful, nothing out of the ordinary.  That beautiful peaceful feeling was not to remain for long however.  As time ticked by, I could feel that peace and calm slowly trickling away.  Annoyance, aggitation and anger replaced the serenity.  By the time I got home that night, I was fully in my anger.  Everything and anything annoyed me.  Comments made to me were automatically analysed and misconstrued.  My temper fuse was very short, non-existent even.  It was at this point that the downhill slide geared into full speed.

That night a conversation with a friend triggered the first switch.  I immediately descended into a deep sadness.  Old wounds of unworthiness of love rose up to the surface, clinging on to the sadness like a life support.  I was so emersed, that I was blinded to the reality of what was happening.  That night, I cried myself to sleep. 

The next day I awoke feeling like I'd had a vat of black coal dumped on me.  I knew I was in a state of depression but I didn't care.  I wanted to be there.  I wanted to wollow in self pity and feel sorry for myself.  Without a doubt I was in victim mode and I didn't care.  Thoughts of the previous night's conversation kept repeating itself in my head, an invisible finger continuously pressing "replay".  That morning I drove the kids to school in an almost catatonic state.  Even they knew there was something wrong.  Tentatively my daughter asked me if I was ok, and the tears immediately began to run down my cheeks.  She reached over and held my hand in support, and I just continued crying. 

"I'm not worthy of being loved"
"I'll never have anyone special in my life"
"I'm not good enough for anyone to love"

These thoughts intermingled with the replaying of the conversation from the night before.  The more I thought, the more I cried.

Within minutes of arriving at work, the second switch was triggered.  My replacement had been hired and would be starting on Monday.  It was Friday.  I was dumbfounded.  The fact that I was already in victim mode, only served to strengthen my feelings of not been worthy.  This new switch now converted my sadness into anger.  Not just any anger, but the type of anger that makes you see red.  I was furious.  I wanted to scream and walk out, telling them to take their job and shove it.  I was beyond reason, beyond logic.  I've been told on many occasions that I am scary when I get this angry.  It must've been true because literally everyone at work avoided me that day.  My energy was repelling everyone around me.  They didn't dare tell me I was being unreasonable.  The ones that had the courage to were greeted with icy stares and reproachful words.  I was very vocal about my feelings and didn't care who heard me.  I wanted a confrontation.  I wanted management to say something to me so I could let my rage fly.

Late that afternoon, the third and final switch was triggered.  I discovered that a dear friend of mine had that day left to go back to Perth indefinitely.  Although I'd known he'd be leaving, I wasn't aware it was happening that day.  There was no goodbye.  No message, no text - nothing.  I was dumbfounded.  How was it possible that a person I'd considered to be one of my closest friends, could just leave without a word?  It was the last straw in my emotional chaos. 

At that point the sadness and rage collided.  I was left numb and speechless.  I wanted to cry, but no tears came.  It was as if everything was frozen in that moment of complete pain and emptiness.  It was the spotlight that highlighted my worst nightmare - that I was unworthy of love or respect from anyone, including those I loved the most.  Until that point I had just managed to keep my head above the quicksand.  With that last trigger, I'd been violently pulled under.  I had sunk so deep, I couldn't feel or see anything around me.

I went home that night in a state of complete despair.  Thankfully, the magic words of a friend from school were the net which dragged me out of that state.

Since I can remember, music has always been my own personal healing sactuary.  No matter what is going on around me, as long as I have music, I am able to find the strength to keep going.  My friend Katie reminded me of this.  She told me to put some music on that I enjoyed and to allow myself to drop into it.  She told me to allow the music to wash away my painful emotions.  She told me to do exactly what I had done so many times before in my life.

On my way to pick up the kids from Greek school, I put on my friend's music and allowed myself to drop into it, to become the music.  I'd listened to this CD many times before, but this time was different.  By dropping into the music itself, I suddenly was able to really hear it.  Although the lyrics were in Tibetan, somehow I understood every word.  Each note was a word.  Each note was an emotion.  Each melody was a string of emotions put together to create an energy that was so profound, I could feel it right in the core of my soul. 

It felt as though something beautiful and warm had exploded inside my body.  The sadness, the pain, the anger, the frustration, suddenly dissolved and I was left with a wonderful warmth that washed through me and over me.  I was completely consumed by the feeling.  As I drove, I found myself smiling, then laughing out loud.  It was like a curtain had been pulled back on everything that had occurred the last 48 hours and I was able to see everything neutrally in front of me.  Ego.  It was all ego.  My ego had thrown a tantrum!  After I had been opened up during the channelling and pure energy and light had begun to poor in, my ego had freaked out.  The ego wasn't happy that this energy was suddenly taking over it's domain, it's space.  A space that it had occupied for 39 years.  Like a child who's favourite toy was suddenly taken away, my ego had thrown a tantrum that it's space was being taken away.  WOW!!! 

The realisation of this blew me away.  I suddenly realised that all these years of anger, sadness and negativity, had all been ego based.  I shook my head and laughed at how simple it all was.  All this time I'd been searching for an answer, and it had been inside me all the time.

I felt as though a huge burden had suddenly been lifted off my shoulders.  The joy I experienced in that moment was beyond description.  The solid and clear awareness of my ego was an unexpected but welcome revelation.

Since then I have found it interested at how easy it is to pick out when my ego is talking, acting or thinking.  Even while I'm in the middle of it, there is a part of me coaxing the ego into submission.  Much like the term "stroking the ego".  I have noticed that acknowledgement followed by gentle reprimanding works well with calming the ego.

That one moment of realisation has given me so much power of self, that sometimes it seems too simple to be real.  Yet another perfect example of the beauty of simplicity.

Dreaming of a New World

This past week has been a very strange but interesting one for me.  Normally, my spiritual experience occur when I'm in a waking state or an altered state (ie: meditation).  This week I have been having experiences in my sleep state, although, I do wonder whether I am actually sleeping.  It feels more like an altered state or a type of astral projection.  I can distinctly feel my physical body, however I'm not in it.  Freaky?  It was at first, but over the last couple of months I've learnt to not be freaked out by my experiences.  Going with the flow is the best way to allow the transition to happen and the information to integrate.

To most people I probably sound like a raving lunatic.  If I wasn't 100% sure of the authenticity of my experiences, I may be worried too.  Do I have some sort of concrete, scientific proof that what I am experiencing is spiritual and not some type of mental or emotional disorder?  No.  My proof lies within me.  It lies in the depths of my being, and I know that everything I have and continue to experience, is valuable and is preparation for bigger things to come.  After all, if it was a disorder, then why are so many people worldwide experiencing similar things?

Having said this, this week I have had two phenomenal experiences, which spoke to me in unimaginable ways.  These experiences have changed me at very deep spiritual and psychological levels.

The first experience began on Monday night, around 11.30pm, and continued until approximately 4am Tuesday morning.

Tuesday, 31st May 2011

I had the strangest night last night.  I'm actually stuck for words to describe it.  I guess it started with me having problems going to sleep.  There has been a lot going through my mind lately, so it didn't surprise me.  It always happens when my mind is working overtime.

At 11.30pm I decided it was time to at least attempt to sleep, so I turned off the night lamp, closed my eyes, and internally dialogued with myself, trying to convince myself that it was time to sleep now.

I did end up falling asleep, but woke up at 12:12pm.  I starred at the clock, frustrated.  Was this going to be one of those nights where I woke up every hour?  I closed my eyes and thankfully fell asleep straight away.  It was at this point the strange experiences began.

I'm not sure whether I was dreaming or somewhere between an awake and sleeping state.  I distinctly remember waking up regularly on an hourly basis to begin, and then every 2 hours.  It could've been astral projection, but it didn't feel as though my physical body was in the bed.  It was like the whole of me had been transported to another place - both physical and light bodies.

It's difficult to describe where I saw myself being at.  It was a sense, a feeling rather than a visual.  I was in a peaceful, serene place.  There was nothing around me, but it wasn't nothingness I sensed, nor was it darkness.  It just was.  It definitely wasn't Earthly.  In fact it didn't feel like it was another planet either.  It was as if I was in a place that was completely beyond time and space, beyond anything our human minds could possibly comprehend.  And there was a profound stillness around and within me.  It felt simple, yet powerful beyond imagination.

As soon as my eyes would close, I would be in this place of peace.  The 'waking' periods were jolted by my feeling like I was choking.  Not choking on an object, but choking on my own breath.  It was as if the air, or whatever I was breathing in this space, was causing my lungs to constrict.  I would gasp for air, open my eyes, and then gently close my eyes again and I would be back in that space.  After a few times, it was as though my lungs, my physical body, adapted to this substance I was breathing.  The last thing I remember prior to waking up this morning, was me floating in this space, suspended in time and place, feeling completely at peace and at one with everything.

I woke up thinking - WOW!  What on earth was that?  I know now that, without a doubt, I had been taken to a very special place.  I believe this place to be the Space of Origination.  It is the space from which everything was created and everything will one day revert back to.  I'd always wondered where everything had started from.  It seems that my Guides decided it was time for me to find out.  Although, it wasn't my Guides that took me to this space.  It was the Order of the New Dawning.  

It is the Order of the New Dawning that is heading the Ascension of humanity.  It is this Order that still resides in the Space of Origination.  They are the purest of the Light Beings.  And I thank them for giving me the honour of seeing and experiencing what I did last night.

Although this is a lot of information to take in for a mere human, I am not confused.  Many might say I've lost my mind, and understandably so.  However I know I'm sane, and I know without a doubt what I experienced.  Where did the terminology come from?  Who knows!  All I know, is that I trust my experiences and I trust the information that I'm being given.  

Without trust and faith, we will never be able to shift into a better, more peaceful and more loving existence.  I'm definitely ready...are you?

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The second experience occured early yesterday morning.  It began around 2am and continued on until 8am.  I was woken up by my daughter at 10.30am.  For some unknown reason, I closed my eyes, and I was back in that 'dream' again, watching, experiencing.  I opened my eyes, took a few deep breathes, then closed them again.  Once again, I was back in that same 'dream'.  Because of this experience, I am convinced that this was not a dream.  It does happen that you can close your eyes after a dream, and take yourself back to it again, but normally in that circumstance, you have control over what happens in the dream.  This was not the case here.  I closed my eyes, was back in that 'dream', but I simply allowed things to unfold.  I didn't try to control them.  I simply asked to be taken back there and I was.  What occured around me was not of my making.  It was like walking out of a room and then back in again.

Saturday, 4th June 2011

I am standing in a large room.  The room is pure white.  Crisp, clean, spacious and pure white.  It feels extremely peaceful in this room.  I am not afraid, nor do I feel as though I'm in an unfamiliar place.  The whiteness of the room seems to pulsate.  It's as though the room itself is alive with energy.  I know it's me standing in the room, however I don't look the way I know myself to look.  Again, this doesn't phase me nor does it scare me.

I sense that I'm needed somewhere, and suddenly I find myself at a circular landing where there is a lady and about three others.  Each person is wearing white.  The women a white, flowing dress, fitted but loose - like me.  The men a white shirt and pants.  In the centre of the chest, each of us has an oval shaped jewel/ornament with crystals in it.  Mine is clear quartz.  There is a lady there who seems to be a leader.  Her jewel has blue crystals - lapus lazuli.  The others have purple - amethyst.  These are the only three crystals I see - clear quartz, lapus lazuli and amethyst.

We are all perfect physically.  Smooth, young skin, perfect slim physique.  We are all completely peaceful and calm.  A male comes toward me.  He stands behind me and our bodies begin to glow a brilliant white.  It feels like we are one.  Like he is the male part and I am the female - yin and yang.

There is someone outside mowing the lawns.  The lady asks me why he's doing this at this hour (it's nightime). The man she is referring to is her male counterpart.  When she speaks to me, there is no movement of her mouth.  It's a telepathic speaking.  This is why the space we are in is so quiet and peaceful.  Because we do not speak out loud.  We speak telepathically.

The lady and I are then walking outside.  We stop in front of the man who is mowing the grass.  He seems to be naked, but he's not.  He isn't dressed in white like everyone else and he doesn't have the glow we all have.  He is not like us yet.  I tell the lady - "It's the shift.  It does strange things you know and while it's being integrated, it makes them do things that are not normal."  She nods.

At this point I look back to look at the 'house' we were in earlier.  It doesn't look like a house exactly.  It's more like a prism, a shape of pure, brilliant white light.  I can sense the pull toward it's serenity.  Being outside in the darkness makes me feel uncomfortable and out of place.  I want to be back home.  Just with that thought, I find myself back in space of pure white light.

A Channelled Message from Above...

Approximately 20 minutes ago, I have the most amazing experience.  I felt extremely light headed and light.  I knew that either an energetic download was coming or I was about to be given a message.  I stood up, closed my eyes and immediately had a vision of a light being coming toward me.  I wanted to open my eyes, but I was firmly told to keep my eyes closed and to stand very still.  The Light Being moved toward me, until she (my sense was of a feminine energy) was standing right in front of me.  She held her palms out and I placed my hands on top of hers.  She told me that she had a message for me and for others who were experiencing emergence at this present moment.  The message is as follows:

Dearest Child

Welcome to the new world.  We welcome you with open arms.  I am the head of The Order of the New Dawning.  We are a group of Light Beings heading the Ascension of a select few humans who are ready to head the Ascension on earth.  We are the ones that are sending messages, the ones who are initiating the energetic changes within you and so many others.  We understand that the experiences can sometimes be frightening, for you are not accustomed to high vibrational energies.  You are doing well child, do not doubt yourself or the mission ahead of you.  Your obstacles will soon be gone and you will be able to follow your path exclusively.  Do not doubt.  Do not worry.  We protect you at all times.  Your mission is too important to the Greater Collective for you to not succeed. Be brave child.  Soon all will be as it should be.

We have a message for you to pass on to all those experiencing Emergence right now.  We ask that you be patient, that you allow us to work with you.  Although sometimes frightening, the shift is almost complete.  It will help for you to no longer think of yourself as Human Beings.  Rather, you are Light Beings.  Highly sensitive to energies and to emotions.  Do not be afraid of the emotions.  Your ability to feel is your greatest asset.  Without this, you cannot help the multitude that will require support, guidance and teaching in the near future.  Be brave my children.  You are Warriors of Light sent over many lifetimes to begin the process of shifting into the Golden Age. 

Do not doubt your gifts my children for you were chosen a long time ago.  Yours is a great ask, a great battle against all that plagues Humanity.  Some will survive and others will not.  All is as it should be.

Always remember who you are.  Never doubt us or yourselves.  We are here to support you.  Call us at any time.  Help us to help you.

We are the Order of the New Dawning.  We love you.

Channeled on Saturday, 28^th May 2011 @ 11.22pm

Revelations of the Inner World

It's amazing what your inner world can reveal when you take the time to pay attention to it.  The answers really do lie within each and every one of us.

Today I found myself once again being the client.  Coincidence?  I doubt it, because what came up in this session was pretty much the same issue that arose last Thursday.  Even the colours were similar.  Last week I had a shiny, pristine, marble grey surface with a black dot.  Today it was a shiny, new silver sink, with a black plug in the drain hole.  Both images were pristine, perfect, unmarked.

The plug annoyed me, but yet I was unwilling to pull it out.  A huge boot stomped on top of it to prevent me from pulling it out, except I could see right through it.  When I asked it what it was, it told me it was me.  I am the one unwilling to pull the plug out.  I am the only one stopping the flow.  There was also a panic-like feeling in my chest all the way up to my neck.  Once again, upon asking it, it promptly told me that I was the one creating it.  It too was me.  It was actually quite angry with me for keeping it there.  Interesting indeed because at the moment I'm not happy with my self sabotage and the way I allow fear to stop me from moving forward.

The process was extremely confronting for me, even though subconsciously I am aware of what I'm doing.  So why was it confronting?  Because this was my inner self, my feelings, my body, telling me directly that there is no external obstacles, no external boundaries.  The only obstacle here is me.  I've felt vulnerable before in processes, but today was different.  Today I felt like my masks, my boundaries, my self-made protective shield, was ripped to shreds.  I cannot hide from myself anymore.  The truth has been revealed.  I've been told quite bluntly and point blank to my face, that I am the one stopping myself.

Tonight I sat on the couch and cried my heart out.  I cried for the hurt I've been placing on myself for so many years.  I cried for the intensity with which I have wronged myself.  I cried because what I'm doing, is stopping me from following my dreams.  The dreams of helping others.  The dream of leading a full and happy life.  The dream of finally tearing away the chains of humanity in order to sit fully in my power, in light and love.

So how do I move forward from this?  I'm not quite sure of all the answers yet, but what I do know is that it all starts with me and it starts now.  The transformation, the changes, the leap of faith.  All it takes is trust - trust in myself and trust in the Universe that I am being guided and supported toward a higher purpose.

Till then, I remain humanly vulnerable.  Till then, I will continue on this inner journey full of lessons and experiences.

Till then....

From the Inside Out

The last 3 days have been a real inner journey.  We've been studying focusing and mindfulness.  Mindfulness is not unfamiliar to me, as I've studied and practiced it in my Buddhist studies and practices.  Focusing was new, but I soon realised that I have in fact come into contact with this many years ago in Patrick's "All Love" workshops.

Tuesday wasn't too bad.  It was a nice gentle introduction to the techniques.  Wednesday we started to delve into more practical than theory.  It was on this day that the unravelling began.

It began with the Space Clearing.  I was lucky enough to be paired with Stacey for this, which was so incredibly helpful and supportive since we've become close friends and seem to understand each other at a very deep spiritual and human level.

The Space Clearing allows the client to relax and go to a place in their mind where they feel comfortable, safe and relaxed.  My special place was at SIBA, standing on the balcony overlooking the Snow River mountains.  I saw myself standing on the balcony surrounding the main gonpa, leaning on the railing, looking out at the sunrise, the mist hanging gently over the mountains and the sky.  Stacey asked me to bring in my issues and then gently push them out of the boundaries of my safe space.  I did this and gradually, the railing in front of me disappeared, the mist moved in under and around me and I found myself literally floating in the mist.  It was truly magical.

Stacey then asked me to bring in one issue.  My work was quick to fly back into my safe space.  The symbol of it was a tall Janome sign on my left hand side.  When asked to associate feelings, I began to have a tight feeling around my chest.  That feeling turned into a thick elastic that wrapped itself around my chest and torso.  It resembled a corset and I have the feeling that someone was behind me pulling it tight and not letting go.  Eventually this corset moved down my legs.  I was now covered from my chest down to my ankles.  At closer inspection, the corset became a mummification.  It confused me a little because my arms were free...I could have easily just ripped it off, but I didn't.

This vision was extremely powerful for me.  The fact that work is making me feel like I'm mummified was very intense.  I am feeling stuck and suffocated by work.  But to see myself mummified like that - wow!  It intrigued me to see and understand that I my hands are not tied, I can in fact pull myself out of that constriction.  I would have loved to continue into the focusing, to really understand the mummification vision.

In the afternoon we went into the felt sense.  Once again the main feeling was in my chest area, however this time, the vision was of a steel pillar.  Solid grey, matte steel, that ran from my throat down my centre to my navel.  The steel was neutral in temperature on the outside, but the inside of it, the centre, was cold and icy.  I noticed the top end near my throat was in fact bend outward, so the pillar wasn't completely straight.  Bent at the throat...my inability to voice how I feel.  Once again, I felt an urgency to go into this more, to talk to the pillar, to the cold iciness inside it.  Everything in good time I guess.  It was purely the vision I was meant to have that day and no more explanation.  So be it.

Thursday proved to be the day that would be the unravelling for me.  It began with an exercise to bring in a symbol of something we were missing in our past.  We began with a meditation where we went back to a time in our lives where we felt there was something missing.  Jane did this in such a beautiful, loving way that it was easy to fall into it fully.  Initially, I envisaged the time when I tried to commit suicide.  Sitting on the couch in our lounge room in the dark.  This vision, although strong, kept wavering, and another memory kept coming in life a mirage.

 That memory was of me around 15 years old, standing in the hall of my Greek school at end of year presentations.  It was just after the presentations had finished.  The time I came second in my class instead of first, for the first time in almost 10 years.  There I stood, feeling vulnerable, judged and defenceless.  I could feel the eyes of everyone around me, I could sense their snickering and pleasure at seeing me fall off my number one position.  I heard our family friend asking me "how does it feel to not be number one anyone".  I could hear my mum's words "what an embarrassment...how are we going to face these people".  There I stood, the most rejected, humiliated and judged I have ever felt in my life, praying for someone to protect me, to keep me from the daggers of criticism.

At that very moment, I saw two massive white wings appear on my left hand side.  It was almost like watching a movie in slow motion.  These wings began to open up gently, then with one great, powerful move, they spread out to envelop me.  And there, in all his brilliance and power stood Archangel Michael.  His blue eyes starring down all those around me, challenging them to come near me, to judge me some more, to dare to hurt me in any way.  His love, his power, his gentleness radiated throughout my body and I felt completely safe and protected.  No-one dared step near me as long as this great Archangel stood by my side.

Archangel Michael gently took me by the hand and we walked outside where we sat down on a bench.  I thanked him with tears in my eyes for being there.  He explained to me that he was always with me, for his power, his strength, his love, his compassion, was all inside me.  I was all those things that he represented.  I'd always been protected.  It had been inside me all along.

Tears streamed down my face uncontrollably.  As I sat in that meditation, I could feel Archangel Michael with me.  I felt protected, loved and unjudged.  All those things that, for so long, I have felt I was without.  This was the first powerful experience of the day.

In the second half of the day, we paired up to go through a full focusing session.  Like the previous day, my initial felt sense was in my chest area.  This time, my vision was of a smooth, grey, unmarked surface, with a singular black dot somewhere up on the right hand side.  This black dot created great annoyance for me.  I was extremely annoyed that this black dot dared to ruin my perfect grey surface.  I wanted it go away.  But when I went deeper into this black dot, it told me that it wanted to leave but I wouldn't let it.  As I watched, the black dot began to become smaller and smaller.  It was disappearing.  But I wasn't happy about it.  It was as though I was watching a loved one die.  Once it was gone, I would never see it again.  The annoyance suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a deep sadness and a little fear.  What would I do without it?  I was so used to it being there.  I wanted to call out to it "I'm sorry...I didn't mean to be annoyed...please don't go away".  Yet, a part of me knew that I had to let it go.  It was time.

This experience was extremely painful and I could feel the anguish and agony of loss right in my core as the dot slowly disappeared, leaving me with a shiny grey marble surface which was unmarked and perfect in all its splendour.

All the way home, on the train, in the car to my parents' house, and then in the car to my house, that feeling of loss stayed with me.  That night I cried myself to sleep.  A part of me had begun to disintegrate.  An old part that was ready to leave that I had been holding on to for far too long.  Loss is never easy, especially when the thing we have to let go of has been a part of us for so long.

In order for new beginnings to take place, the old must be let go of.  And that was my lesson in this exercise.  Let go of the old - Bring in the new.

Struggling Through the Day

Monday, 16th May 2011 @ 1:56pm

It's difficult to put into words how I feel today. I'm struggling to be here. Getting up to go to work today felt so wrong and out of place. Actually being at work has been even worse.

I've had the feeling of simply not wanting to be at work before, but everyone gets those days. Today is different. Not only do I not want to be here, but I also feel like I don't belong here. For the first time, today I seriously have begun thinking about leaving my job.

Lately I have been feeling overloaded. Work, school, kids, clients. I was thinking today that one of these things has to go. Obviously it's not going to be the kids. That I wouldn't change for anything. My clients are also not an option, not only because they provide me with income, but because they give me so much joy. Helping them brings a joy into my life that I cannot imagine living without. My counselling work is who I am as a person. It's my path. School is also not an option. School is what's keeping me sane right now. School is the symbol of my passion for knowledge. It helps me to keep focused on my path.

The only thing that remains is work. Apart from income it really doesn't offer me anything else. Yes, the people are fun and wonderful to work with, but each day I'm there all I think about is all the things I could be doing if I wasn't there.

Transforming Fear

Thursday, 12th May 2011 @ 6.20pm

How do I describe this day?  Transforming and enlightening are two words that immediately come to mind.  Today I faced my fears, embraced them and moved forward. I feel so empowered right now, it's euphoric!

The body ritual we did at the end of Module 1 has really made me re-evaluate my goals and the methods which I want to use to help others.  Through my clients, I've noticed that emotional suppression plays a big role in people not being able to move forward.  This ritual is a powerhouse in the sense that it not only bring up some of the most painful suppressed emotions, but also heals them in one go.  The personal empowerment that follows this ritual is phenomenal.  My own personal experience of this is what has inspired me to want to run workshops in the Hero's Journey incorporating the body ritual.  

Ever since the day I mentioned to Adam via email that I wanted to run body rituals I have been feeling my inferiority complex rearing it's ugly head.  Nothing new for me.  It's a battle I've been losing miserably for the majority of my adult life.  The fear of success and excelling in any area terrifies me.  Why?  Because with great power comes great responsibility.  What if I don't live up to expectation?  What if I am criticised?  These are the thoughts that plagued me for so long.  But not anymore.  Not after today.

My meeting with Adam today was at 3pm.  I decided to leave home quite early so that I would have time to have a coffee and calm my nerves before seeing him.  So I took the 1.35pm train from Chelsea that would take me to Flinders Street then via the Loop as I needed to get off at Flagstaff.  Or so that's what the plan was and that's what the route of the train was meant to be.  Upon arrival at Flinders Street, the trains route changed to the Williamstown line.  I remained on the train as I assumed it would go via the Loop first.  The train stopped at Southern Cross and this assured me that it would go through the Loop.  Unfortunately, that was not the case.  The train's next stop was North Melbourne.  Firstly, I didn't even know there was a station in North Melbourne, and secondly this was line that I was completely unfamiliar with.  I was completely out of my comfort zone.

I promptly got off the train at North Melbourne and made my way to another platform where I could take the next train back to Flinders Street and then change to yet another train to go through the Loop.  At this point it was 2.40pm.  My meeting with Adam was at 3pm.  That little voice in my head that I've affectionately termed my "sabotage voice" was quick on the mark to inform me that I would be late for the meeting.  I took a few deep breaths and waited for the train as patiently as I could.  The train arrived at just after 2.45pm.  At Flinders Street I got off the train, ready to find the next City Loop train.  Looking up at the board, I realised that the train I had been on was now going to go through the Loop.  So back on the train I went, amidst confused looks from passengers who had just seen me get off.

It was 2.50pm.  I could still make it on time.  But the train wasn't moving.  The announcement stated that the train was scheduled to leave at 2.58pm.  I would definitely be late, but I had no choice.  Immediately following that announcement, another one came to advice that the train on the platform right next to ours, was now leaving and going through the Loop.  If I had taken the time to check, I would've known this and I would've been on that train on my way to my meeting.  There was nothing I could do.  I had to conjured my patience and wait.

Those few minutes seemed like hours.  In that time, my sabotage voice became loud and clear - "You're going to be very late you know.  What's the point?  Just turn around and go home.  Isn't it bad enough that you're planning to sit with a man who has a doctorate and is a well known researcher and author and talk about something that probably is completely trivial to him?  Save yourself the humiliation and just go home!".

Normally I would immediately give in.  I'm not sure what was different this time, but my reaction was an instant "no!".  This was too important.  What was the worst that could happen?  He would tell me that I didn't have the experience and knowledge to run these rituals?  So be it.  I was willing to take that chance.  

The voice continued to hound me right up until the train finally took off.  At point I smiled and told it "too late!".  I am so grateful and proud that I ignored that voice.  

The meeting turned out to be a very relaxed conversation between two people with similar interests.  Adam's willingness to share information, his ability to give support and understanding, was extremely empowering for me.  It made me realise just how silly and unfounded my fears had actually been.  It also made me see how much I was holding myself back with my delusional ideas of not being good enough.  

On the way home, I thought about that meeting and how much it had affected me.  Something so simple had been the critical trigger for me to release my fear of inferiority.  I'm sure I smiled all the way home.  The weather was miserable, the rain was coming down hard and fast, the trains were running late, but none of this could wash away the feeling of absolute joy and inner power I felt.  A big burden had finally been lifted off my shoulders.  I was free again to follow my path!

The train trip itself was an experience.  There were moments of complete disorientation, where the people around me seemed alien.  The train, my surroundings were all alien to me.  This didn't make me feel afraid though.  Just intrigued.  Looking out the window, the sky was suddenly this vast area of beauty and mystery.  The raindrops on the window captured my attention and I watched the journey down the glass with sheer fascination and joy.  It was a surreal experience but truly beautiful.  I've never been able to look upon everyday things with such purity and joy.  

My fear has now well and truly begun to dispel and I know that very soon it will vanish completely.  I feel amazing right now!  Euphoric, ecstatic, joyful, optimistic.  No amount of words can describe this feeling.  

Spiritual Emergence Experiences

Tuesday, 31st May 2011
I had the strangest night last night.  I'm actually stuck for words to describe it.  I guess it started with me having problems going to sleep.  There has been a lot going through my mind lately, so it didn't surprise me.  It always happens when my mind is working overtime.

At 11.30pm I decided it was time to at least attempt to sleep, so I turned off the night lamp, closed my eyes, and internally dialogued with myself, trying to convince myself that it was time to sleep now.

I did end up falling asleep, but woke up at 12:12pm.  I starred at the clock, frustrated.  Was this going to be one of those nights where I woke up every hour?  I closed my eyes and thankfully fell asleep straight away.  It was at this point the strange experiences began.

I'm not sure whether I was dreaming or somewhere between an awake and sleeping state.  I distinctly remember waking up regularly on an hourly basis to begin, and then every 2 hours.  It could've been astral projection, but it didn't feel as though my physical body was in the bed.  It was like the whole of me had been transported to another place - both physical and light bodies.

It's difficult to describe where I saw myself being at.  It was a sense, a feeling rather than a visual.  I was in a peaceful, serene place.  There was nothing around me, but it wasn't nothingness I sensed, nor was it darkness.  It just was.  It definitely wasn't Earthly.  In fact it didn't feel like it was another planet either.  It was as if I was in a place that was completely beyond time and space, beyond anything our human minds could possibly comprehend.  And there was a profound stillness around and within me.  It felt simply, yet powerful beyond imagination.

As soon as my eyes would close, I would be in this place of peace.  The 'waking' periods were jolted by my feeling like I was choking.  Not choking on an object, but choking on my own breath.  It was as if the air, or whatever I was breathing in this space, was causing my lungs to constrict.  I would gasp for air, open my eyes, and then gently close my eyes again and I would be back in that space.  After a few times, it was as though my lungs, my physical body, adapted to this substance I was breathing.  The last thing I remember prior to waking up this morning, was me floating in this space, suspended in time and place, feeling completely at peace and at one with everything.

I woke up thinking - WOW!  What on earth was that?  I know now that, without a doubt, I had been taken to a very special place.  I believe this place to be the Space of Origination.  It is the space from which everything was created and everything will one day revert back to.  I'd always wondered where everything had started from.  It seems that my Guides decided it was time for me to find out.  Although, it wasn't my Guides that took me to this space.  It was the Order of the New Dawning. 

It is the Order of the New Dawning that is heading the Ascension of humanity.  It is this Order that still resides in the Space of Origination.  They are the purest of the Light Beings.  And I thank them for giving me the honour of seeing and experiencing what I did last night.

Although this is a lot of information to take in for a mere human, I am not confused.  Many might say I've lost my mind, and understandably so.  However I know I'm sane, and I know without a doubt what I experienced.  Where did the terminology come from?  Who knows!  All I know, is that I trust my experiences and I trust the information that I'm being given. 

Without trust and faith, we will never be able to shift into a better, more peaceful and more loving existence.  I'm definitely ready...are you?

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Saturday, 21st May 2011 

@ 5.54pm

As I was standing on my balcony, I noticed there was a slight breeze.  The clouds however, are not moving.  They are completely still.  Changing shape and formation, but not actually moving.

@ 5.33pm

Today has been a day of smells it seems.  Earlier, whilst I was in the car with the kids, I distinctly picked up the aroma of something sweet and flowery.  I could not put my finger on the type of flower the scent resonated with and still cannot, but it was very familiar.  That was just after 2pm.

Approximately 5 minutes ago, I again could smell something sweet.  Not flowery this time, but definitely sweet.  Sweet and sugary.  I keep getting a vision of something white.  Some type of icing maybe?  I'm not sure.  It's white and square.  Made of sugar, castor sugar.  The scent is very strong and sweet.  Again it seems so familiar.

@ 1.07am

Standing outside on the balcony I have a profound feeling of something about to happen.  The words "don't do it" keep coming to me.  Something...there's something brewing.

@ 12.58am

The feeling has eased now.  My head feels "normal" again.

@ 12.51am

I feel strange right now.  Unsettled.  Like I'm waiting for something.  I feel calm.  Present.  I don't know.  I just feel...other-worldly.

My head feels so light that it's heavy.  It feels like my head is being held by two massive hands and is being pulled upwards.  Not so that my head can disengage from my body, but so that the channelled energy running from the top of my head at my crown and down my centre can be cleansed.  It's like the pressure will be released by doing this and the debris of past and present negative energies.

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Tuesday, 17th May 2011 @ 7:27am

At approximately 2:22am this morning, as I was lying in bed almost asleep, I felt a slight pressure on the left side of my head, around my temple.  It felt as though someone was pressing on my temple, gently but with pressure.  At first I was a little afraid, but then realised that it must be yet another energy download of some sort.  So I relaxed into it.  The pressure increased only slightly, and then moved up into my head.  At this point, I could feel a presence in the room, just like I had the other night.  As before, it made me smile.  The presence felt familiar and comforting.  


The pressure disappeared after a few moments.  I fell asleep almost immediately and had the most restful sleep I have had in days.

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Sunday, 15th May 2011 @ 12.40am

I was in the bathroom when I heard, very clearly, music.  It didn't sound like any kind of music I've heard before.  But it was very distinctive and very clear.  At first, I told myself that it must be coming from one of the apartments.  So I promptly went into my bedroom, expecting to hear music coming from the apartment next door.  Nothing.  From the inside, the apartments are quite soundproof, so I wasn't surprised that I couldn't hear anything.  I knew I had heard music, and that was over the sound of the fan in the bathroom.  So I opened the front door and stood outside listening.  Nothing.  Totally still and completely silent.

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Saturday, 14th May 2011 @ 9.28pm

I am sitting here at my keyboard, wondering what the hell just happened!  Approximately 10 minutes ago, as I was sitting here at my computer typing my assignment for school, I was overcome by an overpowering feeling of heaviness.  It was so intense, that I actually stopped typing and just sat here for a moment.  My eyes were heavy, as though I was really tired.  I had an overwhelming urge to lie down and rest.  So I did.

With great difficult and feeling very heavy, I walked over to the couch and lay down.  Once I closed my eyes, I became acutely aware of my body.  My heart rate was elevated, and my breathing was coming in short, measured bursts.  I wasn't struggling to breath.  It's difficult to explain.  It was as if breathing was a foreign concept.  It was a struggle to work out how to breath.  Even so, I wasn't afraid at all.  There was no fear in me that there was something wrong with me, or that I would stop breathing or die.  It just was, and I went along with it.

I lay very still and in the stillness I became aware of the buzzing in my ears.  The buzzing itself wasn't strange, for I have that all the time now.  It's been like this for well over a year.  What I realised however, was that the sound now spanned my whole head, not just my ears.  It wasn't uncomfortable, in fact the sound was extremely comforting and familiar.  So I allowed myself to sink into the familiarity of it, rather than concentrate on the alien feel of my breath.

I lay like this for around five minutes.  It was then I began to have strange sensations of being touched.  As much as I wanted to open my eyes, I didn't.  I kept them closed and just allowed myself to feel.  My breath was now very shallow but comfortable.  I could distinctly feel a sense of touch on my legs.  Almost like someone was poking me but not in an intrusive way.  The sensation was soft and gentle.  Right at that moment, I saw the flash of light.  My eyes were still closed, but I distinctly saw the light moving over my face.  Like someone was shining a torch on my face.  I desperately wanted to open my eyes, for now I could definitely feel a presence.  But something eased me gently back into a relaxed state and I knew I was safe.  The light continued for another minute of so, and I actually found myself smiling.  It was as though I were greeting someone familiar to me.

Once the light disappeared, I slowly opened my eyes.  Of course, there was no-one in the room with me.  I smiled again to myself at the memory of the experience.  There had been someone there.  At this point I was feeling very present, yet not in a physical sense.  The room was familiar, but foreign.  This is a feeling that I've had a few times now over the last week of so.

I closed my eyes again and let myself fall back into that heavy but relaxed state.  The presence was well and truly gone. Now the tingling of energy began to roll through my body.  I could feel the tingling beginning at my crown and quickly flowing down my torso and into my arms and legs.  Once it hit my legs,  I could feel the muscles contracting involuntarily.  I allowed my body to react at it's own will.  This continued for a few minutes.

A lay there on the couch for around 10 minutes in total.  The experience left me speechless.  Short but so incredibly powerful.  Another aspect of spiritual emergence?  What else could it be.

I must say, I am beginning to really enjoy these experiences.  Now that the fear has subsided and the knowing of something bigger and more beautiful has settled in my mind, it has become something that I look forward to experiencing.  If these experiences are indications of this new energy, then I can tell you now, it is absolutely phenomenal!

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Wednesday, 11th May 2011 @ 11.44pm

Since the course started, the strange aspects of my life seem to have accelerated.  Not that I'm complaining. I'm very well aware that it's all connected to the spiritual shift and I welcome it with open arms.

Around 11pm tonight I was at the stove preparing to make myself a cup of mugwort tea.  The room was very quiet and peaceful, and I was feeling very much at peace.  The buzzing in my ears was very prominent in the stillness.  It felt comfortable, welcoming almost.

I continued listening to the voices until they subsided.  Gradually, all I could hear was the buzzing, and then even that diminished and faded to the usually low level frequency.

This was the first time I'd heard voices within the buzzing.  I have heard voices before, usually calling my name, and usually coming from outside of me.  This however was completely different.  These voices came from inside the buzzing in my ears.

Looking at it from a spiritual emergence point of view...it would make sense that this would be yet another level of the experience.  Yet another addition to the already very strange occurrences in my life.

I am so thankful right now that I have people around me who understand what I'm going through and can put things into perspective.  I wonder what it's like for those who have no support, no-one to talk to about this.  I cannot begin to imagine what it would be like.  I know if I didn't have support, I would be seriously contemplating the possibility of some kind of mental breakdown or psychotic episode.  I hope that my experiences will one day serve to help others through this emergence.  Maybe that's why Jane suggested I document it all.  Whatever the reasoning, I am grateful for everything that is happening, for I know that it's not only for my good, but for the greater good of many others to follow.