Monday, 8th August 2011
The intensity of my ego experience had left me feeling relieved but drained energetically. The days leading up to last Tuesday, I'd had many thoughts running through my mind, particularly ones of doubt regarding the emergence. It had never occured to me that maybe, the ego awareness process had been a part of the emergence. Of course, I realise this now, particularly the important that ego awareness has on emergence. Without awareness of the ego, how can we move forward? Without ego awareness, I would never have been able to get through my latest experience.
The intensity of my ego experience had left me feeling relieved but drained energetically. The days leading up to last Tuesday, I'd had many thoughts running through my mind, particularly ones of doubt regarding the emergence. It had never occured to me that maybe, the ego awareness process had been a part of the emergence. Of course, I realise this now, particularly the important that ego awareness has on emergence. Without awareness of the ego, how can we move forward? Without ego awareness, I would never have been able to get through my latest experience.
My ego was in full swing from the moment I woke up on Tuesday, 2nd August. It was having a field day, telling me consistently that all that I believed in was a bunch of crap. Emergence?? What emergence??? My experiences weren't emergence. They were signs of mental instability! Energy downloads, spirit guides, awakening, ascension....all just a cruel joke on my part to make me believe that there was something "special" going on.
By the time I got home from work, I decided to push my annoying ego to the side and sat down to look up some of my favourite music on YouTube. Music has always soothed my soul and brought in positive energy when I'm feeling down. And so the night began with all my favourite tunes. I was quite enjoying myself. I could still hear the ego in the recesses of my mind, but my mood had been lifted with the music. Everything was all good!
At around 9pm, I came across my all-time favourite song "In The Arms of An Angel" by Sarah McLaughlin. No matter how many times I hear this song, it's a guarantee I will cry. There's just something about the music and the lyrics that stirs up so many deep and meaningful emotions. I've always used this song as a way to stir up suppressed emotions that I want to release and heal, so there must've been something that needed to be released for me to choose this song when I did.
Of course, the tears immediately welled up and within the first few moments of the song I found myself crying. The difference this time was that I actually felt physical pain in my chest. Not in the physical heart area, but in the spiritual heart. The pain intensified as the song continued, and I found myself clutching at my chest, tears poaring down my face.
I was astounded at the intensity of the pain. My first thought was that I was picking up on the emotions of an acquantence, so I asked my guides to tone it down. It always works, but this time, the pain remained. I found myself clicking "replay" on the song that had started my tyraid of tears. The pain intensified, the tears continued to flow. I felt desolate, depressed even.
I cried to the point where my head hurt before I realised the thoughts that were circulating through my mind. Memories of my marriage, my ex-husband, my divorce, the pain and rejection I'd felt. They were all floating around in my mind, stirring emotions that I knew had been healed a long time ago. As soon as this awareness hit me, I stopped crying. I sat very still, confused. Why on earth were these things coming up? Of course there were still issues and pain to heal, but none were related to my divorce nor my ex-husband. I was totally confused.
I continued to sit still, my head pounding, my face wet from the tears I had cried. As I sat in that stillness, I became aware of a little voice in the recesses of my mind whispering memories from my past. Memories from my marriage and divorce. The voice was quiet, but I instantly knew what it was. It was the voice of my ego. It was my ego that was desperately trying to drag me into an emotional heap.
Exhausted from the crying, I instantly shut my computer down and decided to go to bed. I was furious that I had been dragged down like that by my ego. Little did I know, that that had been just the beginning of an interesting night.
It was around 11pm when I went to bed. I don't think I actually fell asleep. It was pretty much and hour and a half of tossing and turning. Around 12.30pm I gave up trying and simply lay on my back, my eyes open, starring into the darkness. It was then I began to feel the tighteness in my chest. It wasn't painful, it was simply a physical sensation of tighteness. At the same time, I noticed my breath was coming in short, quick bursts. I didn't move. I continued to lay there, very still, wondering what was going on. The tightening sensation continued, but now I was starting to feel like I couldn't breath. I sat bolt upright. What the hell was going on? Waves of panic (that's the only way I can describe the feeling) began to sweep over my body and I immediately sat on the side of the bed, my head between my legs. I was positive I was going to pass out. I felt physically sick as the waves continued to wash over me, making my stomach lurch. I stood up slowly, and promptly sat down again as another wave of "panic" hit me.
"Drink water...drink water...drink water" I kept hearing in my head. It gave me comfort to know that my Guides were with me. I sat for a moment longer until the waves subsided, then got up and walked slowly and carefully to the kitchen. I drank a glass of water, refilled it and brought it back to my room. By this point, I was feeling better. Still nauseous, but no "panic" waves. I lay down and closed eyes, sure it was over.
Immediately the waves began once more. They started at the base of my torso and moved up my body, churning my stomach, tightening my chest, constricting my throat, and making me extremely light in the head. One after another the waves hit, starting at my base, and moving up my body. At the same time, random, irrational thoughts were going through my mind - "I'm going to pass out!"; "I'm dying!". In the middle, a calm, rational guiding voice kept repeating "Just breathe, surrender to the process".
And so the battle between "I'm going to die!" and "Just breathe" continued for what seemed like hours. The waves continued, one after another, until I couldn't move. I was paralysed in my bed as the process continued. I chose to listen to the guiding voice, and closed my eyes, took deep breaths. I concentrated as much as possible on breathing, in between panicking.
The waves did eventually subside enough for me to sit up and, at the prompting once more of my guiding voice, drink more water. Looking at the clock, I realised the second experience had lasted for almost an hour. It was now 2am. It had been an hour and a half since the "panic" waves had begun. How had time passed so quickly?
Still shaken but feeling a lot calmer now, I decided to lie down again. This time, I made the decision to surrender completely to the process if it happened again. Somehow, I knew this was not an anxiety attack. It was much more than that, otherwise I would not have had that guiding voice telling me all the right things to do. And so, I closed my eyes, ready for what I knew instinctively would come.
The third wave was even more intense that the second. This time it wasn't just the nausea and constriction. It started with my right arm going numb, then the numbness spread down my whole right side to the tips of my toes until I couldn't feel the right side of my body at all. I temporarily felt my heart race in a panic, but that guiding voice interrupted "surrender...breathe". A calmness spread over me. "I surrender" I said out loud.
With those words came the peace. I couldn't feel my body at all at this stage, but I didn't panic. By now I was convinced that something a lot bigger was going on. The peace lasted a few minutes before my body began to convulse violently. The sensation was almost like that of a shudder or chill and it lasted only a few seconds.
I lay in my bed, completely still. I could feel my body buzzing with energy from my toes right up to my crown. I was consumed by this energy. I'd never felt so alive yet so at peace in all my life.
Something very special had just occured. So special in fact, that my ego had had an anxiety attack. I on the other hand, felt absolutely wonderful!
Still buzzing, I drifted off into the most peaceful sleep I've ever had. I woke up the next morning a little confused but feeling absolutely radiant.
I cried to the point where my head hurt before I realised the thoughts that were circulating through my mind. Memories of my marriage, my ex-husband, my divorce, the pain and rejection I'd felt. They were all floating around in my mind, stirring emotions that I knew had been healed a long time ago. As soon as this awareness hit me, I stopped crying. I sat very still, confused. Why on earth were these things coming up? Of course there were still issues and pain to heal, but none were related to my divorce nor my ex-husband. I was totally confused.
I continued to sit still, my head pounding, my face wet from the tears I had cried. As I sat in that stillness, I became aware of a little voice in the recesses of my mind whispering memories from my past. Memories from my marriage and divorce. The voice was quiet, but I instantly knew what it was. It was the voice of my ego. It was my ego that was desperately trying to drag me into an emotional heap.
Exhausted from the crying, I instantly shut my computer down and decided to go to bed. I was furious that I had been dragged down like that by my ego. Little did I know, that that had been just the beginning of an interesting night.
It was around 11pm when I went to bed. I don't think I actually fell asleep. It was pretty much and hour and a half of tossing and turning. Around 12.30pm I gave up trying and simply lay on my back, my eyes open, starring into the darkness. It was then I began to feel the tighteness in my chest. It wasn't painful, it was simply a physical sensation of tighteness. At the same time, I noticed my breath was coming in short, quick bursts. I didn't move. I continued to lay there, very still, wondering what was going on. The tightening sensation continued, but now I was starting to feel like I couldn't breath. I sat bolt upright. What the hell was going on? Waves of panic (that's the only way I can describe the feeling) began to sweep over my body and I immediately sat on the side of the bed, my head between my legs. I was positive I was going to pass out. I felt physically sick as the waves continued to wash over me, making my stomach lurch. I stood up slowly, and promptly sat down again as another wave of "panic" hit me.
"Drink water...drink water...drink water" I kept hearing in my head. It gave me comfort to know that my Guides were with me. I sat for a moment longer until the waves subsided, then got up and walked slowly and carefully to the kitchen. I drank a glass of water, refilled it and brought it back to my room. By this point, I was feeling better. Still nauseous, but no "panic" waves. I lay down and closed eyes, sure it was over.
Immediately the waves began once more. They started at the base of my torso and moved up my body, churning my stomach, tightening my chest, constricting my throat, and making me extremely light in the head. One after another the waves hit, starting at my base, and moving up my body. At the same time, random, irrational thoughts were going through my mind - "I'm going to pass out!"; "I'm dying!". In the middle, a calm, rational guiding voice kept repeating "Just breathe, surrender to the process".
And so the battle between "I'm going to die!" and "Just breathe" continued for what seemed like hours. The waves continued, one after another, until I couldn't move. I was paralysed in my bed as the process continued. I chose to listen to the guiding voice, and closed my eyes, took deep breaths. I concentrated as much as possible on breathing, in between panicking.
The waves did eventually subside enough for me to sit up and, at the prompting once more of my guiding voice, drink more water. Looking at the clock, I realised the second experience had lasted for almost an hour. It was now 2am. It had been an hour and a half since the "panic" waves had begun. How had time passed so quickly?
Still shaken but feeling a lot calmer now, I decided to lie down again. This time, I made the decision to surrender completely to the process if it happened again. Somehow, I knew this was not an anxiety attack. It was much more than that, otherwise I would not have had that guiding voice telling me all the right things to do. And so, I closed my eyes, ready for what I knew instinctively would come.
The third wave was even more intense that the second. This time it wasn't just the nausea and constriction. It started with my right arm going numb, then the numbness spread down my whole right side to the tips of my toes until I couldn't feel the right side of my body at all. I temporarily felt my heart race in a panic, but that guiding voice interrupted "surrender...breathe". A calmness spread over me. "I surrender" I said out loud.
With those words came the peace. I couldn't feel my body at all at this stage, but I didn't panic. By now I was convinced that something a lot bigger was going on. The peace lasted a few minutes before my body began to convulse violently. The sensation was almost like that of a shudder or chill and it lasted only a few seconds.
I lay in my bed, completely still. I could feel my body buzzing with energy from my toes right up to my crown. I was consumed by this energy. I'd never felt so alive yet so at peace in all my life.
Something very special had just occured. So special in fact, that my ego had had an anxiety attack. I on the other hand, felt absolutely wonderful!
Still buzzing, I drifted off into the most peaceful sleep I've ever had. I woke up the next morning a little confused but feeling absolutely radiant.
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