Transforming Fear

Thursday, 12th May 2011 @ 6.20pm

How do I describe this day?  Transforming and enlightening are two words that immediately come to mind.  Today I faced my fears, embraced them and moved forward. I feel so empowered right now, it's euphoric!

The body ritual we did at the end of Module 1 has really made me re-evaluate my goals and the methods which I want to use to help others.  Through my clients, I've noticed that emotional suppression plays a big role in people not being able to move forward.  This ritual is a powerhouse in the sense that it not only bring up some of the most painful suppressed emotions, but also heals them in one go.  The personal empowerment that follows this ritual is phenomenal.  My own personal experience of this is what has inspired me to want to run workshops in the Hero's Journey incorporating the body ritual.  

Ever since the day I mentioned to Adam via email that I wanted to run body rituals I have been feeling my inferiority complex rearing it's ugly head.  Nothing new for me.  It's a battle I've been losing miserably for the majority of my adult life.  The fear of success and excelling in any area terrifies me.  Why?  Because with great power comes great responsibility.  What if I don't live up to expectation?  What if I am criticised?  These are the thoughts that plagued me for so long.  But not anymore.  Not after today.

My meeting with Adam today was at 3pm.  I decided to leave home quite early so that I would have time to have a coffee and calm my nerves before seeing him.  So I took the 1.35pm train from Chelsea that would take me to Flinders Street then via the Loop as I needed to get off at Flagstaff.  Or so that's what the plan was and that's what the route of the train was meant to be.  Upon arrival at Flinders Street, the trains route changed to the Williamstown line.  I remained on the train as I assumed it would go via the Loop first.  The train stopped at Southern Cross and this assured me that it would go through the Loop.  Unfortunately, that was not the case.  The train's next stop was North Melbourne.  Firstly, I didn't even know there was a station in North Melbourne, and secondly this was line that I was completely unfamiliar with.  I was completely out of my comfort zone.

I promptly got off the train at North Melbourne and made my way to another platform where I could take the next train back to Flinders Street and then change to yet another train to go through the Loop.  At this point it was 2.40pm.  My meeting with Adam was at 3pm.  That little voice in my head that I've affectionately termed my "sabotage voice" was quick on the mark to inform me that I would be late for the meeting.  I took a few deep breaths and waited for the train as patiently as I could.  The train arrived at just after 2.45pm.  At Flinders Street I got off the train, ready to find the next City Loop train.  Looking up at the board, I realised that the train I had been on was now going to go through the Loop.  So back on the train I went, amidst confused looks from passengers who had just seen me get off.

It was 2.50pm.  I could still make it on time.  But the train wasn't moving.  The announcement stated that the train was scheduled to leave at 2.58pm.  I would definitely be late, but I had no choice.  Immediately following that announcement, another one came to advice that the train on the platform right next to ours, was now leaving and going through the Loop.  If I had taken the time to check, I would've known this and I would've been on that train on my way to my meeting.  There was nothing I could do.  I had to conjured my patience and wait.

Those few minutes seemed like hours.  In that time, my sabotage voice became loud and clear - "You're going to be very late you know.  What's the point?  Just turn around and go home.  Isn't it bad enough that you're planning to sit with a man who has a doctorate and is a well known researcher and author and talk about something that probably is completely trivial to him?  Save yourself the humiliation and just go home!".

Normally I would immediately give in.  I'm not sure what was different this time, but my reaction was an instant "no!".  This was too important.  What was the worst that could happen?  He would tell me that I didn't have the experience and knowledge to run these rituals?  So be it.  I was willing to take that chance.  

The voice continued to hound me right up until the train finally took off.  At point I smiled and told it "too late!".  I am so grateful and proud that I ignored that voice.  

The meeting turned out to be a very relaxed conversation between two people with similar interests.  Adam's willingness to share information, his ability to give support and understanding, was extremely empowering for me.  It made me realise just how silly and unfounded my fears had actually been.  It also made me see how much I was holding myself back with my delusional ideas of not being good enough.  

On the way home, I thought about that meeting and how much it had affected me.  Something so simple had been the critical trigger for me to release my fear of inferiority.  I'm sure I smiled all the way home.  The weather was miserable, the rain was coming down hard and fast, the trains were running late, but none of this could wash away the feeling of absolute joy and inner power I felt.  A big burden had finally been lifted off my shoulders.  I was free again to follow my path!

The train trip itself was an experience.  There were moments of complete disorientation, where the people around me seemed alien.  The train, my surroundings were all alien to me.  This didn't make me feel afraid though.  Just intrigued.  Looking out the window, the sky was suddenly this vast area of beauty and mystery.  The raindrops on the window captured my attention and I watched the journey down the glass with sheer fascination and joy.  It was a surreal experience but truly beautiful.  I've never been able to look upon everyday things with such purity and joy.  

My fear has now well and truly begun to dispel and I know that very soon it will vanish completely.  I feel amazing right now!  Euphoric, ecstatic, joyful, optimistic.  No amount of words can describe this feeling.