It's been almost 2 months since my last intense emergence experience. There have been the energy downloads on a daily basis, but this has been manageable and actually quite nice and energising. I should've known that this was the calm before the storm!
Although from an emergence perspective things have been quiet, from an emotional purging perspective it's been one thing after another. Thanks to my course, I haven't been able to avoid it. First there was the personal ritual which was a major enlightenment for me as to the root causes of all my emotional issues. It was this ritual on the 14th June that opened my eyes to the fact that my emotional roller coaster officially began at the tender age of 7.
That was followed by two weeks of more intense processing from past life regression to chakra work. One after the other they came, ripping me apart and stirting the debris from its depths. Through it all I felt emotionally and physically exhausted. There were times when I thought I wasn't going to make it. Knowing that it was a necessary process of awakening gave me the strength to keep going, even when all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and pretend the world didn't exist.
The event that shifted things dramatically was a channelling session at school on the 7th July. Bringing in pure light always stirs things up, but what occurred following this particular channelling, was far beyond anything I expected.
Immediately following the channelling, I felt calm and peaceful, nothing out of the ordinary. That beautiful peaceful feeling was not to remain for long however. As time ticked by, I could feel that peace and calm slowly trickling away. Annoyance, aggitation and anger replaced the serenity. By the time I got home that night, I was fully in my anger. Everything and anything annoyed me. Comments made to me were automatically analysed and misconstrued. My temper fuse was very short, non-existent even. It was at this point that the downhill slide geared into full speed.
That night a conversation with a friend triggered the first switch. I immediately descended into a deep sadness. Old wounds of unworthiness of love rose up to the surface, clinging on to the sadness like a life support. I was so emersed, that I was blinded to the reality of what was happening. That night, I cried myself to sleep.
The next day I awoke feeling like I'd had a vat of black coal dumped on me. I knew I was in a state of depression but I didn't care. I wanted to be there. I wanted to wollow in self pity and feel sorry for myself. Without a doubt I was in victim mode and I didn't care. Thoughts of the previous night's conversation kept repeating itself in my head, an invisible finger continuously pressing "replay". That morning I drove the kids to school in an almost catatonic state. Even they knew there was something wrong. Tentatively my daughter asked me if I was ok, and the tears immediately began to run down my cheeks. She reached over and held my hand in support, and I just continued crying.
"I'm not worthy of being loved"
"I'll never have anyone special in my life"
"I'm not good enough for anyone to love"
These thoughts intermingled with the replaying of the conversation from the night before. The more I thought, the more I cried.
Within minutes of arriving at work, the second switch was triggered. My replacement had been hired and would be starting on Monday. It was Friday. I was dumbfounded. The fact that I was already in victim mode, only served to strengthen my feelings of not been worthy. This new switch now converted my sadness into anger. Not just any anger, but the type of anger that makes you see red. I was furious. I wanted to scream and walk out, telling them to take their job and shove it. I was beyond reason, beyond logic. I've been told on many occasions that I am scary when I get this angry. It must've been true because literally everyone at work avoided me that day. My energy was repelling everyone around me. They didn't dare tell me I was being unreasonable. The ones that had the courage to were greeted with icy stares and reproachful words. I was very vocal about my feelings and didn't care who heard me. I wanted a confrontation. I wanted management to say something to me so I could let my rage fly.
Late that afternoon, the third and final switch was triggered. I discovered that a dear friend of mine had that day left to go back to Perth indefinitely. Although I'd known he'd be leaving, I wasn't aware it was happening that day. There was no goodbye. No message, no text - nothing. I was dumbfounded. How was it possible that a person I'd considered to be one of my closest friends, could just leave without a word? It was the last straw in my emotional chaos.
At that point the sadness and rage collided. I was left numb and speechless. I wanted to cry, but no tears came. It was as if everything was frozen in that moment of complete pain and emptiness. It was the spotlight that highlighted my worst nightmare - that I was unworthy of love or respect from anyone, including those I loved the most. Until that point I had just managed to keep my head above the quicksand. With that last trigger, I'd been violently pulled under. I had sunk so deep, I couldn't feel or see anything around me.
I went home that night in a state of complete despair. Thankfully, the magic words of a friend from school were the net which dragged me out of that state.
Since I can remember, music has always been my own personal healing sactuary. No matter what is going on around me, as long as I have music, I am able to find the strength to keep going. My friend Katie reminded me of this. She told me to put some music on that I enjoyed and to allow myself to drop into it. She told me to allow the music to wash away my painful emotions. She told me to do exactly what I had done so many times before in my life.
On my way to pick up the kids from Greek school, I put on my friend's music and allowed myself to drop into it, to become the music. I'd listened to this CD many times before, but this time was different. By dropping into the music itself, I suddenly was able to really hear it. Although the lyrics were in Tibetan, somehow I understood every word. Each note was a word. Each note was an emotion. Each melody was a string of emotions put together to create an energy that was so profound, I could feel it right in the core of my soul.
It felt as though something beautiful and warm had exploded inside my body. The sadness, the pain, the anger, the frustration, suddenly dissolved and I was left with a wonderful warmth that washed through me and over me. I was completely consumed by the feeling. As I drove, I found myself smiling, then laughing out loud. It was like a curtain had been pulled back on everything that had occurred the last 48 hours and I was able to see everything neutrally in front of me. Ego. It was all ego. My ego had thrown a tantrum! After I had been opened up during the channelling and pure energy and light had begun to poor in, my ego had freaked out. The ego wasn't happy that this energy was suddenly taking over it's domain, it's space. A space that it had occupied for 39 years. Like a child who's favourite toy was suddenly taken away, my ego had thrown a tantrum that it's space was being taken away. WOW!!!
The realisation of this blew me away. I suddenly realised that all these years of anger, sadness and negativity, had all been ego based. I shook my head and laughed at how simple it all was. All this time I'd been searching for an answer, and it had been inside me all the time.
I felt as though a huge burden had suddenly been lifted off my shoulders. The joy I experienced in that moment was beyond description. The solid and clear awareness of my ego was an unexpected but welcome revelation.
Since then I have found it interested at how easy it is to pick out when my ego is talking, acting or thinking. Even while I'm in the middle of it, there is a part of me coaxing the ego into submission. Much like the term "stroking the ego". I have noticed that acknowledgement followed by gentle reprimanding works well with calming the ego.
That one moment of realisation has given me so much power of self, that sometimes it seems too simple to be real. Yet another perfect example of the beauty of simplicity.
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