The last 3 days have been a real inner journey. We've been studying focusing and mindfulness. Mindfulness is not unfamiliar to me, as I've studied and practiced it in my Buddhist studies and practices. Focusing was new, but I soon realised that I have in fact come into contact with this many years ago in Patrick's "All Love" workshops.
Tuesday wasn't too bad. It was a nice gentle introduction to the techniques. Wednesday we started to delve into more practical than theory. It was on this day that the unravelling began.
It began with the Space Clearing. I was lucky enough to be paired with Stacey for this, which was so incredibly helpful and supportive since we've become close friends and seem to understand each other at a very deep spiritual and human level.
The Space Clearing allows the client to relax and go to a place in their mind where they feel comfortable, safe and relaxed. My special place was at SIBA, standing on the balcony overlooking the Snow River mountains. I saw myself standing on the balcony surrounding the main gonpa, leaning on the railing, looking out at the sunrise, the mist hanging gently over the mountains and the sky. Stacey asked me to bring in my issues and then gently push them out of the boundaries of my safe space. I did this and gradually, the railing in front of me disappeared, the mist moved in under and around me and I found myself literally floating in the mist. It was truly magical.
Stacey then asked me to bring in one issue. My work was quick to fly back into my safe space. The symbol of it was a tall Janome sign on my left hand side. When asked to associate feelings, I began to have a tight feeling around my chest. That feeling turned into a thick elastic that wrapped itself around my chest and torso. It resembled a corset and I have the feeling that someone was behind me pulling it tight and not letting go. Eventually this corset moved down my legs. I was now covered from my chest down to my ankles. At closer inspection, the corset became a mummification. It confused me a little because my arms were free...I could have easily just ripped it off, but I didn't.
This vision was extremely powerful for me. The fact that work is making me feel like I'm mummified was very intense. I am feeling stuck and suffocated by work. But to see myself mummified like that - wow! It intrigued me to see and understand that I my hands are not tied, I can in fact pull myself out of that constriction. I would have loved to continue into the focusing, to really understand the mummification vision.
In the afternoon we went into the felt sense. Once again the main feeling was in my chest area, however this time, the vision was of a steel pillar. Solid grey, matte steel, that ran from my throat down my centre to my navel. The steel was neutral in temperature on the outside, but the inside of it, the centre, was cold and icy. I noticed the top end near my throat was in fact bend outward, so the pillar wasn't completely straight. Bent at the throat...my inability to voice how I feel. Once again, I felt an urgency to go into this more, to talk to the pillar, to the cold iciness inside it. Everything in good time I guess. It was purely the vision I was meant to have that day and no more explanation. So be it.
Thursday proved to be the day that would be the unravelling for me. It began with an exercise to bring in a symbol of something we were missing in our past. We began with a meditation where we went back to a time in our lives where we felt there was something missing. Jane did this in such a beautiful, loving way that it was easy to fall into it fully. Initially, I envisaged the time when I tried to commit suicide. Sitting on the couch in our lounge room in the dark. This vision, although strong, kept wavering, and another memory kept coming in life a mirage.
That memory was of me around 15 years old, standing in the hall of my Greek school at end of year presentations. It was just after the presentations had finished. The time I came second in my class instead of first, for the first time in almost 10 years. There I stood, feeling vulnerable, judged and defenceless. I could feel the eyes of everyone around me, I could sense their snickering and pleasure at seeing me fall off my number one position. I heard our family friend asking me "how does it feel to not be number one anyone". I could hear my mum's words "what an embarrassment...how are we going to face these people". There I stood, the most rejected, humiliated and judged I have ever felt in my life, praying for someone to protect me, to keep me from the daggers of criticism.
At that very moment, I saw two massive white wings appear on my left hand side. It was almost like watching a movie in slow motion. These wings began to open up gently, then with one great, powerful move, they spread out to envelop me. And there, in all his brilliance and power stood Archangel Michael. His blue eyes starring down all those around me, challenging them to come near me, to judge me some more, to dare to hurt me in any way. His love, his power, his gentleness radiated throughout my body and I felt completely safe and protected. No-one dared step near me as long as this great Archangel stood by my side.
Archangel Michael gently took me by the hand and we walked outside where we sat down on a bench. I thanked him with tears in my eyes for being there. He explained to me that he was always with me, for his power, his strength, his love, his compassion, was all inside me. I was all those things that he represented. I'd always been protected. It had been inside me all along.
Tears streamed down my face uncontrollably. As I sat in that meditation, I could feel Archangel Michael with me. I felt protected, loved and unjudged. All those things that, for so long, I have felt I was without. This was the first powerful experience of the day.
In the second half of the day, we paired up to go through a full focusing session. Like the previous day, my initial felt sense was in my chest area. This time, my vision was of a smooth, grey, unmarked surface, with a singular black dot somewhere up on the right hand side. This black dot created great annoyance for me. I was extremely annoyed that this black dot dared to ruin my perfect grey surface. I wanted it go away. But when I went deeper into this black dot, it told me that it wanted to leave but I wouldn't let it. As I watched, the black dot began to become smaller and smaller. It was disappearing. But I wasn't happy about it. It was as though I was watching a loved one die. Once it was gone, I would never see it again. The annoyance suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a deep sadness and a little fear. What would I do without it? I was so used to it being there. I wanted to call out to it "I'm sorry...I didn't mean to be annoyed...please don't go away". Yet, a part of me knew that I had to let it go. It was time.
This experience was extremely painful and I could feel the anguish and agony of loss right in my core as the dot slowly disappeared, leaving me with a shiny grey marble surface which was unmarked and perfect in all its splendour.
All the way home, on the train, in the car to my parents' house, and then in the car to my house, that feeling of loss stayed with me. That night I cried myself to sleep. A part of me had begun to disintegrate. An old part that was ready to leave that I had been holding on to for far too long. Loss is never easy, especially when the thing we have to let go of has been a part of us for so long.
In order for new beginnings to take place, the old must be let go of. And that was my lesson in this exercise. Let go of the old - Bring in the new.
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