The Calling to the Spiritual Path

It has been a while since I've had the opportunity to really bask in the energy of flow.  Due to my having the flu, I've been restricted to the basic of sleep, food and rest for the past 3 days.  A difficult task for someone who never sits still and likes to keep busy.

The rewards have been mind blowing.  Who knew that becoming sick could have so many benefits.  The first day was difficult, and I found myself being quite annoyed that the illness I had avoided successfully for months, had finally won.  And so Thursday night and Friday came and went with frustration and anger toward the situation of being ill.

Saturday dawned and I found myself in much higher spirits.  I allowed myself time to sit and contemplate on whatever happened to be on my mind and in my heart at the time.  Amazingly, Buddhism, Tibet and my once deepest passion to become a nun dominated.  For a long time I stood in front of my alter, memories of hours of practice and mantra recitation in the early hours of dawn came flooding back.  It made me smile to remember.  Those were the times I was most at peace - both in my mind and in heart.  Not just during practice, but during everyday life.  The more I practiced, the more peaceful and joyess I became.  But the most beautiful aspect was the changes I saw in those around me.  The more peaceful and joyess I became, the more that energy rubbed off on others.  I could see the shifts before my eyes.  How their speech became softer, their features relaxed, how they smiled more.  The positive shifts I witness in family and friends was beyond words.  How priceless, to be able to affect others in such a beautiful way.

Just as quickly, the joy of those memories turned to sadness, for it's been a long time since I sat down and practiced.  Sure, I've practiced on an off, but it's not the same as being up every morning at 5am, taking precept vows, taking refuge and doing ngondro.  That feeling of peace, contentment and fulfilment at doing something that is helping not only me, but everyone around me.

The gaping hole inside me became clear as I contemplated the loss of something so sacred.  But had I really lost it?  Not really.  It was still there for me whenever I wanted.  In my mind, my heart, my soul.  The mantras at the tip of my tongue to recite at any given moment.  It was at this moment I realised that the peace and joy I once had, was always with me, inside me, waiting to be unlocked again.  Why had I locked away something so precious?  I had no idea.

 Today is Sunday.  I have spent the day doing pretty much nothing but contemplating and reflecting.  I watched a video of the life of the Buddha.  I've read and seen movies of Buddha's life many times before, but for some reason today it's hit right in my core.  His unwavering passion to find the truth, to find the end to suffering, to find the path toward nirvana and eternal peace...that's what I've always envisaged myself doing.  Not just for me, but for others.  I want to learn the art of inner peace, the art of moving with the flow of life, achieving that state where everything is clear and beautiful.  I touched on it during a Ngondro retreat.  During a time of complete renunciation to my practice.  Complete renunciation to my inner being.  Complete concentration on stepping into the blissful inner calmness and bringing it into the external world.

Watching the Buddha's life and the lives of the Tibetan yogis, moved me to tears of joy and deep emotion.  I felt in that moment the amber of spiritual passion reignite within me.  I heard the calling once more toward the spiritual path.  It makes me smile even now to think of spending my life helping others, to spend my life devoted to the search for answers to bringing inner peace into the external world.

In my vision, I am wrapped in maroon and saffron robes, bald head, mala beads entwined between my fingers, standing in front of a Tibetan monastery, looking out onto the splendour of the Tibetan landscape.

As hard as I try to ignore the call, it is there always, whispering and waiting patiently for me to embrace it completely.  Everyone has a purpose in life....the spiritual path is mine.  And when the time is right I will know, and I will buy that one way ticket to Dharamsala....and then my life will begin.

Awareness is the Masterpiece of Mankind

It seems that the major shifts are coming less frequently now.  The minor ones however seem to be weaving their way through the psyche constantly.  It's been a while since the last time I'd had an "ah ha!" moment.  That moment when things come together like a jigsaw puzzle.  The moment when the frost is wiped from the window and you can see clearly.

Over the last few months, the journey has been one resembling something between a rollercoaster and a yo-yo.  Although at the time it doesn't feel like it, things are actually quite balanced.  Moments of highs, moments of lows, and then moments of a complete balance between the two.  From an observational standpoint, all is quite balance indeed.

Even though I've been feeling frustrated at times that I don't seem to be having those moments of intense revelation or experience, I have come to realise that I have in fact, learnt quite a lot in the last few months.

One of the things I have now realised is just how crucial awareness is in this moment of spiritual evolution.  When I say awareness, I mean self awareness, for it is self awareness that leads to a clear awareness of everything in our external world.  If you are not aware of yourself, your inner workings, how could you possibly be aware of the external in a clear manner?

From a personal perspective, I have experienced first hand the clarity of self awareness.  It's feels like the moment you breathe in a lungful of fresh, clean air.  That feeling of exhilaration, of lightness, and especially of sheer joy.  That moment when you realise that you are "aware", is like coming into daylight after being locked up in a dark, dingy room for a century.  The moment that awareness hits you, you suddenly see yourself in a whole different light.  The good, the bad, the ugly, it all stands in front of you for you to see.  The difference is, that you don't judge it.  You simply "see" it.  For what it is....a mere illusion, a construct of the mind and of the moulding of society over years and lifetimes.  Instead of being ashamed of the shadow qualities, you suddenly see them as golden opportunities to understand yourself better, and thereby be able to shift and transform the dark shadow side, into the golden shadow side.  Awareness is an opportunity to step into the authentic self, into the self that is pure, divine and all powerful in a liberating, compassionate, loving manner.

True awareness, bring with it freedom.  Freedom from the chains that have bound us so tightly, that we have been unable to breathe.  True awareness clears away the cobwebs, blows away the dust, and creates an inner space that is a clean canvas on which we can create a masterpiece....a masterpiece we can share with the world...a masterpiece that is the gem that we truly are.

The Journey Continues

It has been a very long time since my last blog. So much has happened, or rather, so much has changed. Within me and the person I am, the way I react to external and internal phenomena, the way I view the world and everything and everyone in it.

2011 was a profound year. A year of significant and life changing transformation. Undertaking the diploma was the best decision I have made in my entire life. The knowledge gained, the tools learned and the acceleration of the type of person I have now become, is beyond description. But it is more the personal journey that has transformed me. It has been a journey filled with wonder and learning about myself and the world I live in.

During this journey, I have come to understand aspects of myself that I never knew existed. The golden aspects have been highlighted and concreted in my psyche, giving me the strength and inspiration to face any challenge this life has to give me. The shadow aspects have taught me the importance of truth and acceptance of self and others. It is in fact, the shadow aspects that have opened my eyes and shown me a path that before was shrouded in darkness and shame. The ability to bring the golden and shadow aspects of myself together, allowing them to communicate and speak, teaching them to accept and love each other, has been profoundly transforming.

In the process, people have come and gone, situations have shattered and reformed, decisions have been made and followed through. All of this has created a feeling of freedom and incredible peace within me. The awareness I have gained in the last few months, has given me all that I’ve been searching for to live a life of pure love and joy. It has opened my eyes to ME, and by seeing myself I am now able to see my external world in a different and more positive light.

In February I began a new journey; the journey of the degree. A major challenge for me, as I have never been drawn to the academic arena. After such an intense experiential journey with the diploma, I now find myself immersed in a journey of academic experience. Surprisingly, even the academic side of learning seems to be having a profound internal effect. The few processes which are entwined in the learning, are deep and profound enough to be shifting bigger and deeper parts of me. Once again I find myself in a place of discovery, where I am learning more about myself and my fellow human beings.

Intelligence and knowledge have suddenly become things of profound beauty. I see them, I hear them, I feel them inside and outside of myself. They move me in ways I never thought possible. Their energy is so incredibly powerful, that I feel it coursing through my veins, awakening aspects of myself I never knew existed. The flame of a long forgotten power has once again been reignited within me.

I have no idea where this new journey will lead me, but I do know that I am ready for the challenge. I am ready for new information, new experiences, new understanding, and new challenges. I am ready to be all that I can be.