It has been a while since I've had the opportunity to really bask in the energy of flow. Due to my having the flu, I've been restricted to the basic of sleep, food and rest for the past 3 days. A difficult task for someone who never sits still and likes to keep busy.
The rewards have been mind blowing. Who knew that becoming sick could have so many benefits. The first day was difficult, and I found myself being quite annoyed that the illness I had avoided successfully for months, had finally won. And so Thursday night and Friday came and went with frustration and anger toward the situation of being ill.
Saturday dawned and I found myself in much higher spirits. I allowed myself time to sit and contemplate on whatever happened to be on my mind and in my heart at the time. Amazingly, Buddhism, Tibet and my once deepest passion to become a nun dominated. For a long time I stood in front of my alter, memories of hours of practice and mantra recitation in the early hours of dawn came flooding back. It made me smile to remember. Those were the times I was most at peace - both in my mind and in heart. Not just during practice, but during everyday life. The more I practiced, the more peaceful and joyess I became. But the most beautiful aspect was the changes I saw in those around me. The more peaceful and joyess I became, the more that energy rubbed off on others. I could see the shifts before my eyes. How their speech became softer, their features relaxed, how they smiled more. The positive shifts I witness in family and friends was beyond words. How priceless, to be able to affect others in such a beautiful way.
Just as quickly, the joy of those memories turned to sadness, for it's been a long time since I sat down and practiced. Sure, I've practiced on an off, but it's not the same as being up every morning at 5am, taking precept vows, taking refuge and doing ngondro. That feeling of peace, contentment and fulfilment at doing something that is helping not only me, but everyone around me.
The gaping hole inside me became clear as I contemplated the loss of something so sacred. But had I really lost it? Not really. It was still there for me whenever I wanted. In my mind, my heart, my soul. The mantras at the tip of my tongue to recite at any given moment. It was at this moment I realised that the peace and joy I once had, was always with me, inside me, waiting to be unlocked again. Why had I locked away something so precious? I had no idea.
Today is Sunday. I have spent the day doing pretty much nothing but contemplating and reflecting. I watched a video of the life of the Buddha. I've read and seen movies of Buddha's life many times before, but for some reason today it's hit right in my core. His unwavering passion to find the truth, to find the end to suffering, to find the path toward nirvana and eternal peace...that's what I've always envisaged myself doing. Not just for me, but for others. I want to learn the art of inner peace, the art of moving with the flow of life, achieving that state where everything is clear and beautiful. I touched on it during a Ngondro retreat. During a time of complete renunciation to my practice. Complete renunciation to my inner being. Complete concentration on stepping into the blissful inner calmness and bringing it into the external world.
Watching the Buddha's life and the lives of the Tibetan yogis, moved me to tears of joy and deep emotion. I felt in that moment the amber of spiritual passion reignite within me. I heard the calling once more toward the spiritual path. It makes me smile even now to think of spending my life helping others, to spend my life devoted to the search for answers to bringing inner peace into the external world.
In my vision, I am wrapped in maroon and saffron robes, bald head, mala beads entwined between my fingers, standing in front of a Tibetan monastery, looking out onto the splendour of the Tibetan landscape.
As hard as I try to ignore the call, it is there always, whispering and waiting patiently for me to embrace it completely. Everyone has a purpose in life....the spiritual path is mine. And when the time is right I will know, and I will buy that one way ticket to Dharamsala....and then my life will begin.
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